Tag Archives: Joy

Narrative Changed

In my last post, sometime in June, I mentioned a possibility of narrative change. Oh yes! and change did it. The worries, pains, shocks of yesterday didn’t melt away *I doubt they will, any time soon* but the burden has gotten lighter, significantly lighter. Although they’re events that catapult me back to that dreadful December morning. Like seeing my dad cry. Da** that’s terrible. Seeing him choke and eventually succumb is not the worst part, its the helplessness I feel. I have strength, a solid block of inner strength and in moments like these, I want to give all of it to this man who most of my life revolves around. I’ll revisit this another day…today is about my changed narrative.

Have you ever said silent goodbyes? The kind that you really don’t want to, not because they’re difficult, or the parting is so emotional *I suffer from emotion deficiency* but because you really don’t know what tomorrow holds, yet you have somehow convinced yourself to plunge into that bleakness and uncertainty and you are worried that loud goodbyes might haunt you if you ever have to retrace those steps. Even if we don’t burn bridges, I don’t want to have to walk a path I have boldly and riskily bade goodbye.

So, that time finally came.The curtain falling to mark the close of over a quarter of my life. Time came to say goodbye to those lovely and at times not so lovely 13 years of my life in a foreign land. A land that had become my second home. Literally. What was I coming home to? Most certainly my family – my nuclear family. A lot has taught me how this unit is the single most important thing after my own coming soon family (No, am not pregnant)…….

I digress, it’s raining violently outside and my ride is here so, this post has to prematurely end here…..

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Posted by on August 22, 2014 in Uncategorized


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Death does give birth

Today on my way to school I walked through the university’s car park. There’s normally nothing spectacular about this particular space. Safe for an occasional flashy car or the intruiging Jopo retro bikes or the parking attendants happily fining illegally parked cars *I’ve been a victim on occasion* story for another day. Am just happy to be writing again.

So, back to the car park, I have decided to be walking more and driving less, my concentration on the road has deteriorated somewhat and I find that am that annoying driver who daydreams at the traffic lights, forgets to indicate when turning or changing lanes. Yes, I am that unpleasant but it’s not my fault. I think of her all the time.

This morning was no different, except that I wasn’t behind a wheel. You see, I bid mama goodbye last year December 14th. My biggest unexpected, untimely, most shocking *there aren’t sufficient adjectives to describe it* experience of my entire life. On that Saturday I was 34 years, 3 months and 79 days old. Those years instantly died with her and on the Sunday that followed I woke up a newly born 34 years, 3 months and 80 days older woman. This is who I am today. Back to the car park, a striking sight caught my eye and interfered with my thoughts.

As the winter passes and the snow melts away, bare land gets uncovered. Places where last summer’s grass grew are exposed as ugly, dead, dry hay alike and hopeless surfaces, as if nothing good can be yielded from them. This describes exactly my path this morning. But the most beautiful thing was happening and that’s the basis of this post today

A few beautiful yellow flowers were growing out of this nothingness. My heart leaped and I took a photo.


This will always remind me that death does give birth. My mama left, but I was reborn into a woman whose description I cannot pen down. Every dawning day I face the reality of her absence but I also gaze at the beauty of this new child re-learning all the things she thought she knew and opening her mind to the totally different perspective her life has taken. Am amazed.

I miss you like I cannot describe; I feel you in everything.

Forever loved.



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Posted by on April 9, 2014 in Reborn


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A long dark Jordan – for you my friend.

My heart breaks with you, all you who called her sister, sinister a deed as this, causes beautiful memories to fester, like a leprosy. My aunty, cousin, niece, friend, colleague, neighbor…. My soul is lost, so lost with yours, you remain the amazing lady she called mother. Dismayed, my spirit is dismayed with yours, two adorable angels who called her mother. I am mobbed, mobbed by the maze your robbed soul finds itself in, a long dark Jordan. A walk you must bear alone and guide your broke home through. I summon the gods, for beat you must these odds.

Yesterday was one very bleak day, but for others, bleak doesn’t even come close to describing what an ordinary dawn dragged along. i spent most of my day in a daze, oscillating between images of you, your beautiful face and gentle smile *as i remember it* what your last thoughts may have been, how this will pass, if it ever does. I think i’ll be stuck here for sometime; i still refuse to accept it. No, this happens to other people, people i read about in the news. Not you!

What darkness is this that engulfs a soul so much, that all the love and laughter is drowned in an ocean of a mighty non yielding despair? Why can’t a timely intervention occur, at the point where all the highs have been chased to avoid all the lows and you find yourself on your last drop? Lupita Nyongo during a recent Hollywood roundtable quoted Khalil Gibran  ‘The deeper sorrow carves itself into your being, the more joy you can contain.’ I wish this was remotely possible for you. I wish this quote would have come alive for you.

I don’t know what shape this grief will take; for its nature is far from the norm. I can imagine the stilled breathing people trying not to cry – yet sobbing hard anyway. I don’t know how long the going continues after this, especially by that spot, an involuntary shrine. One way or another, life must go on, you must love each other, together, like crazy. This one is messy

You will.

Beyond the Sorrow



Posted by on November 28, 2013 in My musings


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