It’s been awhile since i last posted, doesn’t mean i haven’t had a very strong urge to, but between nursing my foot and dealing with unpleasant developments on the same, trying to figure out where this wonderful life of mine – soon to be ours- is headed, work, work and more work been on sick leave notwithstanding and at the same time trying to master the art of being still. *mighty hard*
So, my foot is healing pretty well, still have to be home nevertheless. Did i mention that the x-ray indicated an unusual mass? Yes it did, and so my doctor felt that it needed extra TLC *i wish* apparently my foot has a bone tumor which has been nourishing itself on my poor bone hence the weird ease at which I fracture. Treatment = surgery arrrrgghhh! I wasn’t really shocked at the news *i’ve had my fair share of tumor news in the last 2 years* I was actually livid. Livid at this ungrateful body, that is sabotaging my well laid plans and undoing the ones that I have studiously and diligently achieved. But then again it could be worse right? *encouraging note to self* I now await my MRI imaging and surgery dates. For now, this foot business is stashed away. Compartmentalized.
This does not however dim the bloom surrounding us as we continue to prepare for our upcoming nuptials. Very intriguing to say the least. I have not really got to the stress level yet *am bracing myself* the checklist looks managebale at this point and family support is the gem that keeps everything together. I don’t feel like getting into the nitty gritty of that. I think i’ll do a picture blog after the D-day. I think. Moving on, D-Day aftermath. That is where my mind is stuck, my cross-roads. I have several possibilities to pick from but i just can’t single out which matches my place of comfort. My definition of comfort in this case is a place that is synonymous to home. I am in the process of re-defining the meaning of home. Is it as my husband to be would define it for us? Is it that perfect job that is beckoning at me but may mean been away from us? Is it been in proximity to my parents and siblings? This scope has now widened. Is it the desire to travel the world over in defiance of societal expectations? Is it? Is it? wonderings, continue to serenade me daily, uninvitedly *is that even a word* Am not completely hopeless though, i can confidently say what home is not. It is not where i am presently. It has been before, but not anymore, this rock has gathered enough moss. I am startlingly beginning to realise that the moss doesn’t only hold on to the rock but is firmly affixed to the ground. I continue to wrestle the forces of gravity for i have no intention of carrying away a mossless rock.
In pursuit of mastering the art of stillness, although still miles away, i may have just discovered an art of peeling a very thin layer of this thick crust. I deliberately call it an art because i intend to enjoy this process. This art includes nourishment. I am now an apprentice in my own school whose core subject is uncovering that which nourishes, sustains and sets me in my place of balance. Sounds all kooky yer? It should. Will keep you posted.
This is the all chaotic me right now. You know when you really hate certain things and you feel utterly incapable of changing them? The fact that your front door opens inwards, the slope in your shower is not steep enough and so you have to deal with partially submerged feet each time you take a shower, or the defiant curliness or straightness of your hair….. well i have never liked my flat, when i moved in, i had no choice the other offer was ridiculously far from humanity and worse than my current place. It’s not that my bathroom or front door have any issues, not at all. It’s just that i hate the floor color and the fact that i cannot re-arrange the living room and i don’t get why the balcony and sauna need to be so big at the expense of the bedroom, kitchen *open kitchen* and living room. So these 4 years *I know.I have been planning on moving out* have seen me have a strong love-hate relationship with my humble abode. In the spirit of my newly found/pursued stillness, i realized that we have been storing a very beautiful, under-utilised set of drawers in our bedroom and continuously kept a computer, computer desk and computer seat which we have had no use for, resulting in a crammed and cluttered unattractive living space. After a little chopping, throwing out, and sorting here and there, i am in love with our apartment, for the first time. I now have a balance in that respect.
So a little artistic touch here and there, a little nourishment here and there, my stillness odyssey continues.